Weakness.

My Relief Society President gave an excellent lesson on Sunday that I am pretty sure was directed straight to me. She talked about making Pigs Fly. Let me explain. Her point was that, there are a lot of things in this life that are hard. A lot of things that need to be done.  To start we have to get our Priorities straight. I need to change. Goals need to be set. And then at the end of it all there is Success.
Now if you know me well at all you know I am not an immaculate house keeper. Actually, I am closer to down right messy. I always have been. I am not proud of it and am often embarrassed when people come over unannounced and my house is a disaster. One day while I was pondering over my dilemma,  I may have pinpointed why I am this way. When I was growing up I got the easy way out. My siblings, including my sister, had to spend many long hours on the farm. I cried/threw a fit and got my way, which was to stay home and sleep a bit longer. On the condition that while the rest were at the farm, I was helping my mother clean. Well, cleaning isn't actually what we did. I cleaned the bathroom and was rewarded with a trip to my friends house to spend the rest of the day. I was rewarded for very little work. My growing mind associated doing little work with a big reward. So why work any harder than you absolutely have to when you get a reward anyway.
So how is this effecting my life right now? Well, I do small chores that will at least tell my family I did something for the day and then I spend the rest of the day doing what I want to do, not what needs to be done. And if I am expected to do more, I get anxiety and stare out the window wishing my life was different.
Well to say the least, I am sick of my life. I am sick of my house controlling my emotions. I am sick of being unable/embarrassed to have friends come over. I am done. I want to change. Even now, as I sit here writing, I am panicking just a little. How am I going to overcome 32 years of the same habit? How is this post going to be received by my small audience? But, I also don't care. I have to start sometime and there is no time like the present.
I am going to make small goals which eventually turn into big ones which will eventually lead to control over my life. That is what I am aiming for.
To help me remember my goal I made a little subway art. Nothing too extravagant, but it's enough to remind me to keep going.

Wish me Luck! My life is about to change and it will hurt and be painful. But, I have learned that nothing beautiful comes without a lot of hard work and pain.